Memoirs of a Moorings

Walk On Water

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
~ Corrie Ten Boom

Lately, I've been wondering, what would it take for me to believe God more for my life. I mean really believe that He is THE all-knowing, all-powerful God who we read about in the Bible.

Would I believe more if I saw Jesus crucified on that Cross, buried and then raised again? Thomas didn't. Would I trust Him more if I saw the Red Sea parted and walked across on dry land with a wall of water on either side of me? The Israelites lived through it all, saw the Egyptians drowned and still thought God took them into the wilderness to die.

One of the greatest faults of mankind, in my opinion, is our lack of trust in God. Sometimes I shake my head at myself over how much I think I trust Him but how much evidence of it is lacking my real life.

So I'm still wondering, what is it going to take for me to trust God and take Him at His Word? To believe that the great and mighty acts that I read about are still possible. He's still parting Red Seas, bringing dead bones to life, touching blind eyes and making them see.

Thinking of how my two little boys trust me without question. To feed them, find lost toys, keep them safe.

Thinking it's about time I start walking on some water and crossing my Red Sea.

Sunshiney Days: The One Thousand Gift List

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." ~ Helen Keller

234. A reminder to myself that Jesus is the rock that stands sure
235. The pitter patter of 2 sets of boys feet
236. And watching them wrestling and giggling
237. My Daddy out of the hospital
238. And his hearty appetite
239. Friends who know me like no other
240. A mother who says she's learning from me
241. Shopping with my cousin
242. A four-day work week
243. My little baby who folds his hands during blessing
244. A big boy who reminds this busy mommy to say grace.
245. Evening cartoons with the boys
246. Being kept safe from harm.
247. Baby scribbles on the wall: proof of a budding imagination.
248. A camera phone to capture gratitude in its smallest forms.
249. A promise that God is a restorer-yesterday and Today.

18 Months and Counting....

These little feet belong to the youngest member of our family. A loving little spit-fire of a kid who's got a quick punch (big brother needs to learn to duck and dodge) and sense of humor far beyond his 18 months. Sometimes I just sit back and watch him go. Marvel at his budding independence.

Seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with him, rubbing my belly and envisioning what his little, brown face would look like. I wondered who was this kid who kicked up a storm and kept me hungry as ever. Hard to believe that two years ago he wasn't even here and now he's firmly carved out a place for himself in this life, this family, this mommy's heart.

At 18 months, I'm amazed at all he does. Trying to sing along to the theme song for Yo Gabba Gabba and Elmo's World. Doing the hand movements along with the Laurie Berkner Band when they are singing. Sitting at the big boy "little" table along with his brother when it's time to eat. Changing the channel on the TV, turning the DVD player on and off. Trying to climb the ladder on the bunk beds. The list is endless.

And he's so entirely different from big brother. He's a bottomless pit and will eat just about anything. He's curious about every little single thing, yet very much a momma's boy and not nearly as socially outgoing as big brother. He loves cars and trains and making vroom vroom motor sounds when he plays. He's a great sleeper and adores his big brother. He's great at putting things together and taking them apart and has a thing for shapes and blocks. And I discovered last week that he's quite the escape artist as he pushed himself through the security gate on the sliding glass door. Loving who this kid is and what he's brought to our lives.

18 months down. Let's see where the next 18 years lead us.

 

 

Fruit and Legacies

"Your descendants shall gather your fruits." ~Virgil

It's so easy to be a parent when the boys are like this: sleeping sweetly. I snapped this picture during a recent trip to see family in the Bay Area.

Lately, I have not been able to shake the idea that everyday I am leaving a legacy for these two little boys. I try not to focus on it too much, but I often wonder what my children what say about me when I'm gone. Will they praise me as a good mother who was there and took time with them, got down on their level and entered their worlds or will their memories of me be dim and distant? Will the fruit they gather that I leave behind be sweet and nourishing or rotten and stinking? Will it be fruit that they will be proud to gather and hold in their hands?

I think of my own mother who, while still here, left us a solid spiritual legacy. She didn't just tell us about church or drop us off at church. She took us to church. We watched her live for Jesus. Pray for us. Speak about the Scriptures. That's what I want. To live out what I believe for my children--in every single area of my life. To walk in a path that I want them to follow. I always think: if my children were following right behind me in every step I take throughout life, would I be proud or ashamed of the places they would find themselves in? Or would I have to turn around and say to them, "I'm sorry, please don't follow me here. I don't want you to see what I'm doing or where I'm going." I can't say I'm always successful, but I'm yet striving.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn wrote: "....we won't be around to watch our legacy. To build that which will last beyond us is selfless, and living with that in mind breaks the power of selfishness that tries so desperately to engrain itself in our lives.

It also keeps us focused on the big picture. Legacy building is "big picture." It keeps us focused on the long-term and gives us values that we can judge our actions by. When we are acting based on selfishness, personal expediency and the like, we are "small picture"--whatever is pragmatic right now. When we are building a life that will give for many years, we are "big picture." Ask yourself: How does this action affect my overall goals? How will this affect people in the years to come? Yes, your legacy is very important."

With that, I'm going to work on leaving footsteps that I wouldn't mind my children walking in. Heavy stuff--but I think I'm up for the challenge. How about you?

My View

My Rear View, originally uploaded by NON-Superwoman.

When I look in the mirror these days. I don't just see me. I see a view similar to the picture above. I see the road ahead of me--full of hazards, possibilities, different roads to take. Then I see my rear view--the past. Mistakes I've made. Triumphs that remind me that I'm not that bad and that future successes are within reach.

Then there's that other mirror. The one that's always clearly in my view. The one where two little boys zip in and out of dodge. Always in focus. That is perhaps the reflection that I count as my favorite. May I always keep my eye on what is most important.

Perfectly Imperfect

"This is what you get
This is who I am
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand
If you're thinking about changing my direction,
Why mess with imperfection?"
~ Chorus from "Imperfection" by Saving Jane

This song "Imperfection" has been the soundtrack to my day. Its peppy little bounce has been looping over in my head and sums up where I am. This Unravelling course is nothing less than awesome. Wish I could share details but I'm not privy due to e-course rules.

Anyway, facing yourself squarely and looking at yourself in the mirror--past the make-up, cute hair and contacts--and really looking inside was scary at first. I wasn't sure who I'd find since I haven't done this sort of introspection in years. I thought I'd be scared to face her--me. Thought I'd be scared to my post my pictures to the group pool on Flickr for our assignments. Just knew I'd be frightened to read the feedback left on my photos. Thought the writing assignments would bare too much, unearth stuff buried. Not so. I'm uploading my stuff with no bit of fear. Welcoming comments with open arms. Celebrating me, who I am. This is it-this is who I am. This is what I've got to work with. Sure there's lots I need to work on, some rough edges that need to be sanded down. But this woman I've grown into is looking pretty good (at least today!)

This is me:
I get short-fused when I'm sleepy
Grouchy when I'm hungry
Insecure around people who are walking in their purpose
Intimidated around strong-willed people
I buckle when faced with someone else's anger
Fuzzy-brained when I can't put my feelings into words
Angry when I fail as a parent
Scattered when things are disorganized
Antsy about future plans that I'm not aware of
Stuck in my tracks when I let people down
Double-minded in so many ways
Yet a stickler at the same time

"Ego trips and stupid slipups, I'm a mess but...
This is what you get
This is who I am."

And the unravelling continues......

Reaching....Still

"Glory lies in the attempt to reach one's goal and not in reaching it."
~Mohandas Gandhi    

   

The other day, this little guy grabbed my keys and spent a considerable amount of time reaching on tiny tip toes to unlock the door. Never mind that it was the wrong side of the door. He was on a mission. I marveled at his concentration. His determination. And there was no frustration on his part. Just lots of reaching. I'd do well to take notes from this littlest one. Even as a new walker, he falls down, trips but gets right back up. I love that.

I'm reaching and failing miserably in some things. And it's a brutal process. But I must keep reaching. The thing is: as I reach, I must remember that God's grace--that unearned, unmerited favor of God--is always there and He's still loving me in spite of me and my failures. Gotta keep getting up, dusting myself off and keep on reaching.

Blooming Where My Feet Are Planted

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.” ~ James Oppenheim

 
For the past five years I've had little feet all around me. The past year, it's been two pair of little feet constantly traveling this road of life with me. And often I wonder how much easier (happier?) life will be when these little feet get bigger. It's always things will get better when....when Shayne starts walking.....when they stop waking up in the middle of the night.....when they both are in school......when they can both dress themselves....when they can wash the dishes.

Got a big revelation today. Things are better right now. Right where I'm planted. Happiness is not some far off thing. It's not something that happens outside of my situation in some future I've imagined up. No, it's planted firmly under my feet--and as you can see from the picture above--firmly on top of my feet as well!

My 20-year class reunion is coming up this August. 20 years! And I look back over all the years that I've walked this earth and see all the times when I saw my happiness in the distance. When I graduate from college. When I get married. When I have kids. When my kids grow up. When I get that perfect job. When I get a new car. When I get a house all my own. When I lose 10 pounds. Ridiculous to always be thinking ahead like that when tomorrow is not even promised. Thinking of friends who are not happy where they are approaching 20 years out of high school while I look in and see how good things really are for them.

Gonna take a lesson from two little guys who call me mommy, kick off my shoes and enjoy the moment where I'm standing. Happiness is growing up big and wild around my ankles like the fragrant jasmine bushes outside my front door. Look down, you'll probably see that it's growing right where you are standing as well.

* Self-portrait: Mommy and Shayne's 16 month old feet.

Getting All Unravelled

The email came today. The one with all the details on the new Unravelling e-course that I signed up for a few weeks ago. I've been feeling all giddy like a school girl with a crush ever since I signed up. Silly I know. Just feels like I'm on the edge of something awesome here--a chance to slow down. Stop. Do some self-reflection.

I don't remember which I stumbled across first--the e-course teachers's blog or info on the Unravelling course. Either way, I knew I had to take it.

Here's a testimonial from a past class:
‘Your class has taught me to slow down, show myself love, really look at who I am, and cherish that person. It has taught me to be as kind to myself as I am to other people. I never felt rushed or pushed.  Rather, I felt encouraged by your kind words and the loving words of the entire group. It felt liberating to be accepted so lovingly and it was hugely encouraging… it has taught me to spread my wings and try to fly.’   ~ Jennifer

Hopefully, I'll be able to stop in here and share what's going on as I'm unravelling!

I'll Take A Boy Please....Make That Two of 'Em!

“Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable” ~ Plato

Growing up, boys bewildered me. I found them to be hard to put a finger on. I grew up with two of my godbrothers. On walks home, there was always a side adventure, walks through the mud instead of simply on the sidewalk and I could never understand why passing gas amused them so. Boys at school were no more understandable than the two godbrothers I hung around everyday at home. Boys at school liked to make farting sounds under their arms and lay down on the ground eyeing whose skirts they could peek up.

Early on, I decided that I never wanted to be the mother of boys. Too complicated. Too dirty. Give me a sweet little girl anytime. When I got married, a little girl came with the package and I loved browsing through girl section buying clothes for my stepdaughter. Cute little white sweaters stitched with flowers. Dreamy little dresses, tiny capris and sandals to match. I dreamed of bringing home a tiny, little baby girl wrapped in pink. Then I got the word that our first baby was boy. My first thought: what in the world am I going to do with a little boy.

Then he came.
And I fell head over heels in love with him.
A second baby in my belly.
Another boy.
And I fell even more in love with another boy.

And now I wonder how I could have not wanted boys.

I see little boys in the store. Running past our door down the street. And I just want to stop them and give them a hug. Kiss their cheeks. Relish in their boyness. I really love little boys. Sometimes when I'm out without my little ones and I see little boys, I just stop and look--enjoying every little thing about them.

I love their rough and tumble ways. How dirt is drawn to them like magnets. How they can make a toy of out literally anything. How play always involves loud noises and wrestling. How they can get food in their hair and up their nose. Their ability to make holes in the knees of pants and wear out new shoes in one week flat.

I used to look at little girls in church and see them sitting so quietly. Wondering why my little ones just cannot sit still. They are wired differently--and I love them because of that too.

Soon these little guys will become teenagers and men. Husbands and fathers. And it's so true: "A boy is the only thing God can use to make a man." May I always marvel at the mystery of boys and my miraculous love for them.